Hospitality: ” The friendly reception and treatment of guests or strangers; an act or show of welcome.”

Hospitality emerged as a common thread in the last two AHWGO salons. In March Rabbi Elliot Kukla and Beth MacLoed talked about the art of giving and receiving care. In April, Susan Edwards, Executive Director at a Bay Area Assisted Living Residence talked with her chef and two residents about how to avoid the ‘drama in the dining room’ in senior residences where the challenge to fit into a new group becomes overwhelming for many. Rabbi Kukla opened the door to this connection when she talked about hospitality being at the center of giving and receiving care. This ancient custom of welcoming not only guests but also strangers into our houses is the key in learning how to be hospitable to ourselves, to our aging process. It allows us to receive care without losing dignity and the authority of adulthood.  Hospitality is also the key in allowing for reciprocity from the ones we care for or the loved ones who live in a care environment, recognizing that they need to be allowed/encouraged to continue to give. The notion of hospitality lifts care giving and receiving out of a state of neediness and weakness to a level of dignity and of an ancient human code of conduct. It takes time to be hospitable and it takes flexibility – at any age.

Susan Edwards made it clear that you have to feel at home in order to show the generosity of hospitality and diffuse the fear of not belonging.  Making somebody feel at home in a senior residence means to let residents know that they are in control. It means seeing meals as the opportunity for a nurturing experience and not as a necessity. Cooking and feeding people is the essential nurturing experience – it makes a difference when residents know their chef and know that she takes pleasure in spoiling them. A dining room hostess knows their wishes, their preferences and helps everybody to feel welcome.

It is encouraging that ‘The California Coalition for Change’ has also recognized the importance of the meal experience in the care of nursing home residents and has issued an in-depth study and recommendations.

The environment of giving and receiving care  -  where people can connect, where there is openness as opposed to compartmentalization, where there is a human centered approach to the design of the physical and social environment instead of one driven by the needs of the efficiency of care giving – an environment where people feel at home and are therefore able to extend hospitality to others. Food for thought for all of us.

How can I summarize so many different events? A fabulous presentation and ensuing discussion at our AHWGO Salon in February by Dmitri Belser the Executive Director of the Center for Accessible Technology made clear that barriers to technology use by older adults is more about a learning or experience gap than a disability issue – and this can be solved – cannot it? The Wisdom 2.0 conference in Silicon Valley that I participated in brought together the worlds of social networking ( such as Facebook and Twitter), Google ( I think a category by itself and one of the main sponsors of the conference), gaming (such as Zynga) and the world of mindfulness and wisdom with such great minds as Ekhart Tolle, Jon Kabat Zin, Jack Kornfield, Thupten Jinpa and Joan Halifax. As I write this it occurs to me that on the mindfulness side there are great teachers on the corporate side there are great companies – here it is more about an individual leader there it is more about the brand, the ‘corporate culture – otherwise why would not Larry Page have appeared alongside Jack Kornfield?  All the spiritual teachers projected the wisdom of older age – becoming a venerable teacher is a lifetime pursuit. The tech side is bursting with young people who are keen on innovating and making a lot of money. They carry at least as much responsibility for influencing human happiness as the teachers on the spiritual side so transferring mindfulness to the tech side makes a lot of sense – yet is there time? The wisdom of old age was conspicuously off the table though and when I proposed the topic “Being At Home With Growing Old  –  What Can Mindful Design Contribute?” at the ensuing Unconference, one person showed up (he was in his sixties). At today’s Afternoon Tea at the Family Service Agency of San Francisco Cathy Spensley brought together people of San Francisco agencies and organizations and individuals who work in the field of aging in San Francisco to start a dialogue on the isolation many older adults experience in San Francisco. An impressive cadre of inspired, passionate and compassionate people was bearing witness to the many initiatives in this City.

Is there something which holds these three diverse events together? It is the fact that outward signs of  frailty like the use of assistive devices or even a less sure gait are equated with cognitive disability by the other ‘four fifth’ and that it is as hard for oneself as it is for others to acknowledge old age and the limitations that inflict us without losing assurance and adulthood.

Who said one cannot demand that technology has to adapt to one’s way of interfacing with reality than the other way around? Who says that one cannot inspire innovation in old age? Who says that one cannot acknowledge that growing old is hard work? Who says that wisdom does not come from living a long life?

Until 2030 a disproportionately large  group of people is  growing into this 65+ range – the third third (not yet the second half) of life. There is a chance, a likelihood that this shear number will change how we all , the four fifth and the one fifth who are ‘old’ ( a constantly shifting field) will not only understand better what it means to be an older person but also stand up for this part of life and tap into its resources. It is an exciting time for stretching our imagination and imaging our own aging.